What it feels like to survive abuse
To the Editor:
I sat next to you in class, I live on your block. I went to your camp, I studied with you for tests. I am a regular girl.
A regular girl with a huge secret.
When I was six years old, my father’s friend took me down to my basement to play. He used the privacy of the basement to do inappropriate and untzniusdik (immodest) things to me. It took me years of suffering in shameful silence to come out and admit the horrific truth: I had been abused. The full extent of the evil deeds this man had committed didn’t hit me until years and years later. Now, as a young adult, standing on the threshold of my adulthood, I am forced to deal with the daily reality of what this means to me, so many years later.
As I sit and think about what this man has caused, about the ramifications this has had, and will have, on my life, I am engulfed by masses of feelings.
I feel…
Ashamed. Ashamed? Ashamed of how my body was used, how my body was abused. Ashamed of how I am different. Ashamed of the things that I’ve gone through.
Lonely. Lonely? Can you imagine the feeling of being surrounded by friends, yet unable to get help from any of them? Can you imagine the feeling of being the post popular girl in the class, yet staring at all of the admiring girls from behind a huge glass partition? Can you imagine the feeling of being surrounded by masses of girls, dancing in a happy circle around the radiant Kallah, yet feeling like I am the only one who isn’t part of the joy?
Angry. Angry? Sure I am angry with my abuser, but it’s more than that. I feel angry at the world. Angry with the people who have created a society where I have to be ashamed, to keep HIS secret.
Hurt. Hurt? Yes, physically hurt. This man hurt me, but it was more than that. I am also hurt at those few people who know my secret, who are privy to my pain. Hurt at their lack of support. Hurt at their lack of understanding.
Shocked. Shocked? Shocked that this could happen to a “regular” girl like me. Shocked at the way one man can change the entire course of my life. Shocked that people aren’t doing more to stop it.
Frustrated. Frustrated? Frustrated that people think I did something wrong. I was six years old at the time. Frustrated that people pity me. I am still a regular girl. Frustrated that people think it doesn’t happen in “our” world. Frustrated that we can’t talk about such things. Frustrated that people are sweeping a problem that is such a big part of my life under the rug.
Hopeful. Hopeful? Hopeful that some day in the near future I won’t be forced under a blanket of shame. Hopeful that Hashem will continue to give me the strength to grow from my challenges and use my experiences to help others in similar situations. Hopeful that frum publications will continue to help raise awareness by printing my letter.
Happygirl
Editor’s note: Name withheld by request due to the sensitive, highly personal nature of the letter.
below, please find the comments from here
this is step 1) the next step is you must go to the police and report it. there have been a number of cases lately where the victim went to the rabanim to do something about their plight, when the rabanim tried to help the perpetrators side criminalizes the rabanim and the victim. i spoke to one of the rabanim involved and asked how is this problem going to be addressed he answered he's telling anyone who has a complaint now to go straight to the police. i know its scary but going to the police will protect future victims and it will help you heal,also there's a new law that you can do this and not have face the perp in court you can stay anonymous. i wish you all the best be strong you'll help yourself and many others
July 27, 2009 11:51 AM
Anonymous said... Shame on you lakewood scoop. This is purer loshon hora on our ihr hatora. We had enough bad news this week now youy want to make us all look lioke sickk people. This girl is obviosly off the derech and looking for someone to blame. I don't know anyone in this town that would do anything to a little girl. Boy maybe. Not girl. Clean up your act. Did you ask ashaila before you published this nivul peh?
July 27, 2009 11:55 AM
Anonymous said... i wish you would write the guys name. poeple like this need to learn, not learn by sitting in jail but learning in other ways. there are people that want to help just ask. Just ask the right person.
July 27, 2009 11:55 AM
Anonymous said... 1- No where does it say that this letter is from a resident of Lakewood.
2- This can happen anywhere including Lakewood. In addition due to the closed mind of many individuals it can happen quicker in Lakewood.
3- The only way to deal with this is to go to the Police.
July 27, 2009 12:15 PM
Anonymous said... TO THE GUY WHO SAID IT CANT HAPPEN IN LAKEWOOD .
YOU BETTER GET EDUCATED AND EDUCATED YOU KIDS BECAUSE THERE ARE A LOT OF SICK PEOPLE IN LAKEWOOD AND THE MOLESTOR COULD BE ANYONE AND YOU CANT TRUST ANYONE AND TO TEACH YOU CHILDREN THAT NO ONE CAN TOUCH THEM.
DO YOU KNOW THAT A LOT OF SCHOOL IN LAKEWOOD HAVE WINDOWS IN THEIR DOORS TO THE CLASSROOM , DO YOU KNOW WHY , BECAUSE A REBBI SHOULDNT BE LEFT ALONE WITH KIDS AT ANY TIME , DO YOU KNOW THAT SOME SCHOOLS HAD CAMERAS IN BATHROOM HALLWAY TO ELIMENATE ANY POSSIBILITY OF ABBUSE WHY DO YOU THINK THEY DID , WELLL LET ME TELL YOU BECAUSE ITS A PROBLEM AND NO ONE IS ABOVE SUSPICION.
July 27, 2009 12:25 PM
000646 said... Anon.11:55 said
"I don't know anyone in this town that would do anything to a little girl. Boy maybe. Not girl."
Anon 11:55 You sick sick Embarresment to judaisim do you think doing somthing to a little boy is better or o.k.? what is the matter with lakewood people?!- gosh
July 27, 2009 12:34 PM
Anonymous said... #2 your a sick menuval
July 27, 2009 12:38 PM
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July 27, 2009 12:39 PM
Anonymous said... 'little boy maybe'!!!!! you should be arrested and kept far away from little boys , you crazy monster.
July 27, 2009 12:40 PM
Anonymous said... shes not off the derech she says more tehilim than you i know her personaly
July 27, 2009 12:43 PM
KATE PERRY said... TO THE FIRST ANON POST 11:55---
WOW WOW WOW YOU SICK MAN!!
THIS HAPPENS TO GIRLS TO BC I AM A GIRL WHO WENT THRU A SIMILIAR INCIDENT THAN THIS ONE. YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE NEVER BEEN MOLESTED OR ABUSED AS I HEAR IT FROM YOUR NAIVENESS. YOU SICK PERSON DONT BE SO MAKPID ON LASHON HARA. IT IS NOT LASHON HARA TO LET OTHER PPL KNOW THAT SHE WAS ABUSED. WAIT UNTIL THIS HAPPENS TO SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU OR YOUR FREIND. YOU'LL WALK AROUND BEGGING PPL TO HEAR YOU OUT AND HELP. TAKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE COFFEE ROOM AND STOP PICKING YOUR NOSE. LOOK AT THE SICK WORLD AROUND YOU. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE. IT IS INNOCENT PURE LIVES THAT ARE DESTROYED BC OF SOME SICK MAN WHO HAS A DISEASE IN HIS MIND. IT IS BC OF PPL LIKE YOU THAT THESE YOUNG SUFFERING CHILDREN SUFFER IN SILENCE BC THEY ARE ASHAMED TO TELL YOU BC LOOK HOW YOU ARE REACTING. I HOPE YOU READ THIS AND IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY BACK, PLEASE FREE TO POST IT. LETS SEE WHAT BRILLIANT WORDS OF WISDOM YOU CAN COME UP FOR YOURSELF. LETS SEE HOW YOU CAN DEFEND YOURSELF AND PROVE THAT THESE THINGS DONT HAPPEN. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
July 27, 2009 12:51 PM
Anonymous said... whoever thinks that things like this dont or cant happen is a piece of sh*** the person needs some serious f** help. it does and has happened to people the world over its just not public because everyone is too embarrased to talk about this type of thing. god should bless this girl and help her out
July 27, 2009 12:55 PM
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July 27, 2009 12:56 PM
Anonymous said... #2- I do know someone in this town that has done things to little girls. Yes, even in our town these things happen. Your attitude is part of the problem.
I do not know if this girl is from lakewood. That is irrelevant. The problem exits in Lakewood as it does everywhere else.
July 27, 2009 12:56 PM
victim said... #2 wrote something just to get attention. lets all ignore him and his stupid naive remarks. HE MAKES NO SENSE!!! he wants us to get angry. don't give him that pleasure.
July 27, 2009 12:57 PM
Anonymous said... There are sick people in all faiths. It is a sickness. He should be arrested and put into prison, Child abusers don't last long behind bars. Wasn't there an arrest 2 weeks ago with a Day Camp teacher in Lakewood. Very Sad.
July 27, 2009 12:58 PM
Anonymous said... Dear editor
you should ask for the name so i can save my own kids from such sick people and i don't know if all u know 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 5 girls are molested in the world to Anon. 11:55 you sound like one of those people that should be put away u are sick and if i new who u are i would put your name all over town.
July 27, 2009 1:04 PM
Anonymous said... Dear editor u should remove Anon 11:55 post it violates normality
July 27, 2009 1:05 PM
Anonymous said... With all due respect, i seriously don't think this is such a good place for this discussion. I probably have reached this conclusion by reading the erudite comments published. Dear writer, you need to speak to a qualified individual who will guide you to the correct actions to take. If you are not getting the support you need from your family, than go to a Rav or a trustworthy adult friend. May all your tefilloths be answered and may you find comfort soon.
July 27, 2009 1:10 PM
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July 27, 2009 1:11 PM
Anonymous said... Below are some links on different stuff in the jewish community in Lakewood there is a new organzation for people who where child molested called Ashrecha.
jewishsurvivors.blogspot.com
www.jsafe.org/
This link has story's from frum people.
www.survivorsforjustice.org
July 27, 2009 1:16 PM
Anonymous said... Perhaps her therapist suggested that hanging this dirty laundry out to dry in the Nine Days would be therepeudic.
July 27, 2009 1:21 PM
Anonymous said... The reason that the latest Lakewood (2 weeks ago) went to the authorities, because it was someone from the ......that it happened to their child. Learn from them, go to the authorities as Rav Eliyashev, Shlita said.
July 27, 2009 1:27 PM
Caringyid said... Anon at 11:55
Wow how sick a person can get!! Stop your "Ihr Hatorah" crap!! Our town is fortunate to be BETTER than other places because we have so many people sitting and learning but to think and SAY that this can't happen here is beyond me! There are even sickos OFFICIALLY in BMG right in the heart of your "Ihr Hatorah". I personally have met up with some of these individuals and lets just say they weren't doing the best of things to say the least. I was shocked when an individual told me that one of them is OFFICIALLY in Yeshiva. What nerve do you have to make accusations on this innocent girl?!! What in this world possesed you when you decided to label her as "off the derech"??!! How in G-D's name can you say such a thing? What in this letter made you think that?!! Oh I know,it not anything in the letter, it's just that you need to find something to discredit this girl's letter since this "does not happen in Lakewood" so that was your best route. Some nerve you got!! Oh,and btw if you're able to say that this doesn't happen in Lakewood then you obviously haven't been following the news for the past year or so. Why don't you ask Dr. Shanik if this happens in Lakewood? Are you afraid to come out of that hole of yours? This woman is begging for some sympathy and unfortonately we have sickos in town like you that think that our "Ihr Hatorah" is immune to this. Unfortonately our "Ihr Hatorah" is not what it used to be anymore and to always hide behind that term is naieve at the best and disgusting in reality. I know of a few psycho-therapists that MAY be able to help you.
To the young writer of this letter: I don't know what to say to you. Words don't suffice to ease your pain. My heart goes out to you. May Hashem give you the strength to continue to grow and rise above the test he has given you. Yes,you are different that your friends because G-D has given you a test and you have the power to rise above the challenge and move to a higher plane. I think you should go to the Police but you probably should ask a shaila first by a REPUTABLE Rov. May Hashem always be with you.
July 27, 2009 1:41 PM
Anonymous said... to a ll those attacking my comments at 11:55. i have emunas chachomim.i was tld that we do not have such problems,and if someone says we do they have a problem.i did not say it is ok to molest little boys.just that seems to be the usual case lately.who would allow an adult to be alone in a basement with their girl who is a issur of yichud.boys need to be more careful since molesters pray upon them in private.maybe we should establish hilchos yichud to include men with boys too.but we need our gedolim to tell us this and since they havent yet i cant believe there is a problem so why post this?
July 27, 2009 1:42 PM
Anonymous said... To anon 1:21
I would love to know your name. I think it would be better to hang you out to dry for a long time!
July 27, 2009 1:46 PM
Anonymous said... To the author of this letter:
Please please go to the police you still can. It seems so hard but it is worth it, get the person that did these things locked up, for the sake of the people he will almost for sure hurt if he is out on the street.
July 27, 2009 2:03 PM
000646 said... Anon 1:42 said
"i was tld that we do not have such problems,and if someone says we do they have a problem."
Really by which gadol and when
July 27, 2009 2:04 PM
Happygirl said... Hi, everyone.
I am the writer of this letter and I do live here in Lakewood, so yes, bad things do happen here. :-( Thank you all for your supportive and encouraging words.
The second poster (Anonymous 11:55 am) is obviously uneducated about abuse and it's his choice to bury his head in the sand.
For all others out there, I beg of you!
EDUCATE YOUR CHILDREN about good touching and bad touching, about what's acceptable and what isn't.
EDUCATE YOURSELVES about symptoms to look out for and classic abuser behaviour so you can hopefully preempt it.
DO YOUR BEST TO PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN.
Keep spreading awareness so we, the abused victims, don't need to feel this shame.
Thanks,
Happygirl
PS I sent this letter myself to thelakewoodscoop and it was printed in the Yated readers write last week but I want to get all the support I can get and that is why I sent it hear as well.
July 27, 2009 2:07 PM
123 said... Happy girl,
Please go to the police! I dont blame you if you dont, but please for the sake of us who have kids get this guy off the street!
July 27, 2009 2:17 PM
Anonymous said... B"H I have never been abused and I sure hope none of my children ever were, but, I do know that such perverts do lurk out there and prey on innocents. When I was still single (I am a grandmother now)I was alone in my friend's bungalow in the country and I was waiting for someone to come and pick up portaraits from her bungalow.She had arranged a photographer to take family portraits in the bungalow colony and parents were coming to pick them up from her. She had to be away and asked me to take care of giving out the portraits for her.A father came, and he kept coming too close to me and bumping into me. I kept moving away and he kept on doing it while I was taking care of getting his pictures for him and the payment. I was extremely uncomfortable and I am sure he did not bump into me by accident. I did not report this to anyone. I don't remember his name, but, I still remember it clearly to this day. B"H he did nothing else to me, but, it was bad enough, and I wonder who else he preyed on.
July 27, 2009 2:40 PM
Anonymous said... To #2 on your 2nd post, there is no issur of yichud when the adults are upstairs and the child is downstairs with this piece of #$%^&. It may be true that the parents are guilty of a lack of judgment, however, that in no way excuses the molestor of his devilish actions.
Happygirl is a victim. She may have pathetic parents who did nothing about the problem. They may blame the rabbonim and everyone else and not themselves. Whether that is the case, we have a problem. Unfortunately, I think we are only scratching the surface.
July 27, 2009 2:43 PM
the real me said... Anon 2:43, please do not call her parents pathetic. Maybe they do not know about it. Don't think it's so easy for a victim to tell their parents about such a thing....
July 27, 2009 3:06 PM
000646 said... A victim does not necesseraly have pathetic parents. It is very hard to see the signs unless you are educated in these things (and even when you are it is very hard).
People are usally mollested by either relatives or people who the family have been close with for years and years and a child will usally feel like they did somthing wrong or that their parents will hate them if they found out.
Your best friend or brother could be mollesting your child would you blame yourself for not suspecting them even if your child wasnt acting completley ordinary?
Unless they have an education in these matters and even if they do you simply cannot blame somone for not picking up the signs in most cases,
especially in a community were untill recently it was the public opinion of many of its leaders that such a problem does not exsist.
Wow, what a beautiful and powerful letter. I understand...
ReplyDeleteI've been there, only in a different setting, different age and for a longer length of time. I'm sorry for your pain and for what you continue to live with every day of your life. May Hashem give you the strength to keep moving, keep growing and i'yh one day feel that in some way, you've healed enough to put the horrors behind you, but not the lessons.
Wow, that letter was written so well!
ReplyDeletethis letter was also printed in the yated, with some minor changes. not botched up the way mine was! when i have time, i'll post it here in the comments.
ReplyDeletei was actually quite surprised that they didn't edit it more.... good for us!!!
ReplyDeletecomment on this letter, taken from the jewish star website:
ReplyDelete"What this writer says, with simple eloquence, I have heard dozens of times in my work with Orthodox victims of abuse — and no amount of repetition ever blurs the message or dulls the individuality of the pain.
Not being a therapist — just a writer and sometimes a lawyer — I don’t have much to offer each sufferer. But I do say this: this problem, fundamentally, is not yours but our community’s. The shame belongs not to you but to those who (wittingly or not) have taken sides against you.
You were innocent — of course you were. But in your innocence, you learned, probably unwillingly, that many people who think they are innocent, aren’t. And today there are even more people — throngs of them — who will not forgive you that knowledge.
Please know that many of us are well aware of the denial you face, and what it means — not about you, but about us.
Know that denial is not ignorance but a form of psychic violence, and that many of us are determined to end that violence.
Know that our goal is not (just) to comfort you but to expose and eradicate the true nature of the crime.
And that you are not alone.
Michael Lesher"
LS, thanx for posting the replies
ReplyDeleteeveryone, save your breath about the secont comment to happygirl's letter. some1 who is so hopelessly clueless obviously likes it that way. makes him feel holier than all of us survivors. but Gd loves us.
ReplyDeletenotice he never said which gadol, and he wont ask dr shanik, cuz ignorance is bliss. i pray that none of his children are molested because he wont believe them, and he'll make it worse by punishing them for asking for help. like my parents did. its the worst.
chazak venischazeik everyone!!