Another Happy Girl (letter from the yated)

this letter was published this week in the yated. it is NOT one of the letters written by someone i know personally, unless it got sent in without my knowledge. it is however, extremely powerful.

This i saddressed to "Happy Girl,"

Your shame...I feel too.
The loneliness...I am acquainted with only too well.
Anger...I really know.
Hurt...there is no end.
The shock and frustration...I understand.
I felt the depth of every word in your letter. Each and every one cut a knife into my heart, and when i withdrew it, I found myself, strangely, a bit more healed. I guess I am not so alone.
I am also a very regular girl (albeit a younger one) with a secret. Your pain is my pain too.
Dear readers, I hope "abuse" has not become merely a word. Let me tell you what it really is. In truth, it is to experience utter dehumanization so much that it is probably as close to a death experience as one can get. Only victims of abuse can know the feeling of such intense guilt, shame, and self hatred and still be cognizant of the fact that they are illogical emotions, since victims are not the perpetrators.
As a frum, smart normal girl, I take the liberty of writing this letter as a representative of other Bais Yaakov girls who are suffering very quietly. I don't knwo who they are, because like me, their secret is well guarded behind a facade of perfect normalcy, but they deserve medals for their heroism.
We have been hurt terribly and can be so dreadfully alone (yes, despite the many admiring friends, teachers or neighbors we have) and so we have formed a very strong bond with Hashem. THe amount of pain and humiliation we have suffered in our lives can be the perfect recipe for disaster and for drifting far away from Torah. But we choose a different route. We choose to become closer to Hakadosh Baruch Hu and to bask in His loving embrace. "At risk" teenagers we are not. When the suffering intensifies, we are not on the street, but are crying into our sifrei Tehillim and struggling valiantly to retain our sense of identity and dignity. We are heroes in every sense of the word.
Our healing process has not really begun. We cannot give chizuk to others, go for therapy, or look back in retrospect and write letters to the Yated to raise awareness. We live with our pain in the moment; we are still stuck in the sporadic cycle of abuse. THe place we call home is a danger zone, where physical violence and verbal abuse is unpredictable and knows no boundaries, and sadly, the abuser(s) is no other than our very own parent(s)/family member(s).
Whom do we turn to? Are we meant to suffer and wait for all our school years to pass until we can finally get help? Where is our support system? Who will give us the motherly warmth we so desperately crave? Is it fair for us to ask someone to take responsiblity? To make sure we receive mega-doses of love? Can someone provide a listening ear, empathy, an open heart or proper guidance? Sometimes all we need is a smile or a hug. Is it too much to ask for?
Another Happy Girl