this letter in this week's yated is quite interesting. i've never heard of such a person, and would love to know who they are. it's a bit unrealistic to think the way this person does...
In my community, there is a person who is an address for abuse. He controls the abuser (even if he has left the community) or the parents of the abuser, and he makes sure the abuser goes into therapy. [my note: is it really possible for anyone to fully control an abuser? i think not...] A much respected therapist travels for the community about once a week for this purpose. I was fortunate that I heard about his work. When my child was mishandled, I had an address. But, if I hadn't known about him, who knows if i would have taken action?
Is there a way to ensure that such shomrim do exist in each community? It is probably better for the shomer's identity to remain anonymous to the general public in order to allow him to carry out his avodas hakodesh in a discreet fashion. But rabbonim of all serious (in size) kehillos, poskim and frum pediatricians should all be informed of the work the shomer does. Any person in need of contacting the shomer could be in touch with rabbanim or pediatricians to seek out his contact number.
Name Withheld for Obvious Reasons
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Believe Them
another great letter from the yated!
I would like to thank the "Happy Girls" who have shared their personal experiences with us. Dear girls, while I have not been in your shoes, I would like to share what your letters have done for me.
As a mother, it has made me aware of the importance of speaking to my children, each according to their own level of understanding, about recognizing uncomfortable situations.
To all mothers and fathers, please believe your daughters and sons if they come to you with stories that are difficult to hear. They are not making them up. No one would experience the humiliation if they weren't desperate for help. And when they do come to you, figure out a way to protect them. Other than Hashem, no one loves them more than you do. Hashem has entrusted you with these beautiful neshamos and it is your job to keep them safe. No one asked for this to happen, but it has, so take care of it. Ask advice anonymously if you don't know what to do, but davening is not enough.
"Happy Girls," thank you for opening my eyes and helping to make me a better mother. Please get help and stop this horrific abuse. No one is allowed to touch you without your permission.
E. F.
on the note of "no one is allowed to touch you without your permission", be aware that a child CANNOT GIVE PERMISSION FOR SOMEONE TO TOUCH THEM SEXUALLY!! they have no understanding of it! some of us "gave permission" and then couldn't stop it. it's a very sensitive topic...
I would like to thank the "Happy Girls" who have shared their personal experiences with us. Dear girls, while I have not been in your shoes, I would like to share what your letters have done for me.
As a mother, it has made me aware of the importance of speaking to my children, each according to their own level of understanding, about recognizing uncomfortable situations.
To all mothers and fathers, please believe your daughters and sons if they come to you with stories that are difficult to hear. They are not making them up. No one would experience the humiliation if they weren't desperate for help. And when they do come to you, figure out a way to protect them. Other than Hashem, no one loves them more than you do. Hashem has entrusted you with these beautiful neshamos and it is your job to keep them safe. No one asked for this to happen, but it has, so take care of it. Ask advice anonymously if you don't know what to do, but davening is not enough.
"Happy Girls," thank you for opening my eyes and helping to make me a better mother. Please get help and stop this horrific abuse. No one is allowed to touch you without your permission.
E. F.
on the note of "no one is allowed to touch you without your permission", be aware that a child CANNOT GIVE PERMISSION FOR SOMEONE TO TOUCH THEM SEXUALLY!! they have no understanding of it! some of us "gave permission" and then couldn't stop it. it's a very sensitive topic...
They Must Be Aware
this letter is taken from the yated. i don't know who wrote it, but it's a great one!
Dear Editor,
I would like to respectfully disagree with the mother who wrote in to criticize the yated for printing the letter from "Happy Girl" in the Readers Write section because her children read i and she did not want to expose her children to these horrors. I think the Yated generally uses very good judgement in what is printed, and this time was no different. The letter, by the way, contained no objectionable content. It did an excellent job of saying things without saying them.
I understand that I am not yet a mother, so I might not be completely qualified to contribute my comments, but I will nonetheless.
It is imperative that children of all ages, both male and female, be aware of this issue. Reading it in the Chinuch Roundtable and reading it in the Readers Write are two different experiences. Here, they are able to "hear" it directly from the victim, one of their peers, and can possibly believe that it exists. Kids don't want to believe that the people they are raised to trust are capable of hurting them. Unfortunately, it is a lesson that must be taught before it is too late.
When my mother tries to tell my teenage brother what to do if someone in yeshiva or camp approaches him in an innapropriate manner, he immediately dismisses her and promises that these things simply don't happen (not just that it won't happen to him). That attitude frightens me, especially from yonger children.
Parents, please allow your children to learn from other people's unfortunate experiences, such as by reading letters in the yated, so that they won't, chas veshalom, suffer themselves.
R. Flatbush, Brooklyn
Dear Editor,
I would like to respectfully disagree with the mother who wrote in to criticize the yated for printing the letter from "Happy Girl" in the Readers Write section because her children read i and she did not want to expose her children to these horrors. I think the Yated generally uses very good judgement in what is printed, and this time was no different. The letter, by the way, contained no objectionable content. It did an excellent job of saying things without saying them.
I understand that I am not yet a mother, so I might not be completely qualified to contribute my comments, but I will nonetheless.
It is imperative that children of all ages, both male and female, be aware of this issue. Reading it in the Chinuch Roundtable and reading it in the Readers Write are two different experiences. Here, they are able to "hear" it directly from the victim, one of their peers, and can possibly believe that it exists. Kids don't want to believe that the people they are raised to trust are capable of hurting them. Unfortunately, it is a lesson that must be taught before it is too late.
When my mother tries to tell my teenage brother what to do if someone in yeshiva or camp approaches him in an innapropriate manner, he immediately dismisses her and promises that these things simply don't happen (not just that it won't happen to him). That attitude frightens me, especially from yonger children.
Parents, please allow your children to learn from other people's unfortunate experiences, such as by reading letters in the yated, so that they won't, chas veshalom, suffer themselves.
R. Flatbush, Brooklyn
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Protecting Our Children
Here's an interesting letter from someone who wishes to protect her kids. What do you all think?
taken from the Yated:
As an avid reader of the Yated, I feel compelled to write after reading a letter in last week's Readers Write.
Like countless others, I am a parent who carefully screens my children's reading material (both for content and for age appropriateness). I have always felt comfortable bringing the Yated into my home each week and having it enjoyed by all my children. That's why last week's letter was so upsetting to me. I am referring to the letter about abuse written by "Happy Girl."
I strongly believe that there is a major need for public awareness of this problem, and in your editorial several weeks ago, you did just that. You brought up this serious matter in an appropriate and delicate manner. However, it was disturbing to see such a letter printed in the middle of your highly popular Readers Write column, which is read and disected by kids of all ages, as I can attest to. It is the responsibility of all parents to do the utmost to ensure the physical and emotional wellbeing of their children, and to educate them in all matters of safety as tehy grow up. But it should be left to the parents' discretion as to how and when to do so, particualarly when dealing with a topic as sensitive as abuse. I don't believe that education should come from a Readers Write column which is read by kids all over the world.
Please save these issues for parts of your paper that are clearly geared to adults, such as your weekly editorial which I enjoy so much.
Thank you for your wonderful newspaper which my family enjoys week after week. Keep up the great work.
taken from the Yated:
As an avid reader of the Yated, I feel compelled to write after reading a letter in last week's Readers Write.
Like countless others, I am a parent who carefully screens my children's reading material (both for content and for age appropriateness). I have always felt comfortable bringing the Yated into my home each week and having it enjoyed by all my children. That's why last week's letter was so upsetting to me. I am referring to the letter about abuse written by "Happy Girl."
I strongly believe that there is a major need for public awareness of this problem, and in your editorial several weeks ago, you did just that. You brought up this serious matter in an appropriate and delicate manner. However, it was disturbing to see such a letter printed in the middle of your highly popular Readers Write column, which is read and disected by kids of all ages, as I can attest to. It is the responsibility of all parents to do the utmost to ensure the physical and emotional wellbeing of their children, and to educate them in all matters of safety as tehy grow up. But it should be left to the parents' discretion as to how and when to do so, particualarly when dealing with a topic as sensitive as abuse. I don't believe that education should come from a Readers Write column which is read by kids all over the world.
Please save these issues for parts of your paper that are clearly geared to adults, such as your weekly editorial which I enjoy so much.
Thank you for your wonderful newspaper which my family enjoys week after week. Keep up the great work.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Another Happy Girl (letter from the yated)
this letter was published this week in the yated. it is NOT one of the letters written by someone i know personally, unless it got sent in without my knowledge. it is however, extremely powerful.
This i saddressed to "Happy Girl,"
Your shame...I feel too.
The loneliness...I am acquainted with only too well.
Anger...I really know.
Hurt...there is no end.
The shock and frustration...I understand.
I felt the depth of every word in your letter. Each and every one cut a knife into my heart, and when i withdrew it, I found myself, strangely, a bit more healed. I guess I am not so alone.
I am also a very regular girl (albeit a younger one) with a secret. Your pain is my pain too.
Dear readers, I hope "abuse" has not become merely a word. Let me tell you what it really is. In truth, it is to experience utter dehumanization so much that it is probably as close to a death experience as one can get. Only victims of abuse can know the feeling of such intense guilt, shame, and self hatred and still be cognizant of the fact that they are illogical emotions, since victims are not the perpetrators.
As a frum, smart normal girl, I take the liberty of writing this letter as a representative of other Bais Yaakov girls who are suffering very quietly. I don't knwo who they are, because like me, their secret is well guarded behind a facade of perfect normalcy, but they deserve medals for their heroism.
We have been hurt terribly and can be so dreadfully alone (yes, despite the many admiring friends, teachers or neighbors we have) and so we have formed a very strong bond with Hashem. THe amount of pain and humiliation we have suffered in our lives can be the perfect recipe for disaster and for drifting far away from Torah. But we choose a different route. We choose to become closer to Hakadosh Baruch Hu and to bask in His loving embrace. "At risk" teenagers we are not. When the suffering intensifies, we are not on the street, but are crying into our sifrei Tehillim and struggling valiantly to retain our sense of identity and dignity. We are heroes in every sense of the word.
Our healing process has not really begun. We cannot give chizuk to others, go for therapy, or look back in retrospect and write letters to the Yated to raise awareness. We live with our pain in the moment; we are still stuck in the sporadic cycle of abuse. THe place we call home is a danger zone, where physical violence and verbal abuse is unpredictable and knows no boundaries, and sadly, the abuser(s) is no other than our very own parent(s)/family member(s).
Whom do we turn to? Are we meant to suffer and wait for all our school years to pass until we can finally get help? Where is our support system? Who will give us the motherly warmth we so desperately crave? Is it fair for us to ask someone to take responsiblity? To make sure we receive mega-doses of love? Can someone provide a listening ear, empathy, an open heart or proper guidance? Sometimes all we need is a smile or a hug. Is it too much to ask for?
Another Happy Girl
This i saddressed to "Happy Girl,"
Your shame...I feel too.
The loneliness...I am acquainted with only too well.
Anger...I really know.
Hurt...there is no end.
The shock and frustration...I understand.
I felt the depth of every word in your letter. Each and every one cut a knife into my heart, and when i withdrew it, I found myself, strangely, a bit more healed. I guess I am not so alone.
I am also a very regular girl (albeit a younger one) with a secret. Your pain is my pain too.
Dear readers, I hope "abuse" has not become merely a word. Let me tell you what it really is. In truth, it is to experience utter dehumanization so much that it is probably as close to a death experience as one can get. Only victims of abuse can know the feeling of such intense guilt, shame, and self hatred and still be cognizant of the fact that they are illogical emotions, since victims are not the perpetrators.
As a frum, smart normal girl, I take the liberty of writing this letter as a representative of other Bais Yaakov girls who are suffering very quietly. I don't knwo who they are, because like me, their secret is well guarded behind a facade of perfect normalcy, but they deserve medals for their heroism.
We have been hurt terribly and can be so dreadfully alone (yes, despite the many admiring friends, teachers or neighbors we have) and so we have formed a very strong bond with Hashem. THe amount of pain and humiliation we have suffered in our lives can be the perfect recipe for disaster and for drifting far away from Torah. But we choose a different route. We choose to become closer to Hakadosh Baruch Hu and to bask in His loving embrace. "At risk" teenagers we are not. When the suffering intensifies, we are not on the street, but are crying into our sifrei Tehillim and struggling valiantly to retain our sense of identity and dignity. We are heroes in every sense of the word.
Our healing process has not really begun. We cannot give chizuk to others, go for therapy, or look back in retrospect and write letters to the Yated to raise awareness. We live with our pain in the moment; we are still stuck in the sporadic cycle of abuse. THe place we call home is a danger zone, where physical violence and verbal abuse is unpredictable and knows no boundaries, and sadly, the abuser(s) is no other than our very own parent(s)/family member(s).
Whom do we turn to? Are we meant to suffer and wait for all our school years to pass until we can finally get help? Where is our support system? Who will give us the motherly warmth we so desperately crave? Is it fair for us to ask someone to take responsiblity? To make sure we receive mega-doses of love? Can someone provide a listening ear, empathy, an open heart or proper guidance? Sometimes all we need is a smile or a hug. Is it too much to ask for?
Another Happy Girl
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
ZF's Letter-There Is Hope!
I was an innocent little girl.
I did not understand that my brothers' deeds were serious.
I did not know I was being abused.
I was only seven
I am now entering adulthood
I am now confused, shocked, scared.
I was directed to allusseffelech.proboards.com
I was welcomed there with open arms
I was saddened that so many other Frum females had been abused
I found a wonderful place.
I thrived on it.
I thrived for I was understood.
I gained new insights and perspectives.
I was encouraged to be strong
I was encouraged to tell-
So I told
I told my mother what happened
I showed her allusseffelech.proboards.com
I showed her the wonderful people who I met there.
I was hugged and comforted
I was accepted and loved
I was, once again, a child in my mother's arms
I am free to go on with my life
Secured
By the support I got on AUS.
By the support of my mother
I am free move on...
Monday, July 20, 2009
A Daughter's Letter to Mommy and Tatty
Published in the Yated
Dear Mommy and Tatty,
You've probably been unable to escape the grim reality that's been darkening the pages of the various frum publications recently. You probably read the editorials, interviews and letters about the heart wrenching issue of abuse in our communities with a mixture of shock and horror. Then you turn the page and say "Baruch Hashem this isn't MY problem."
Dear Mommy and Tatty,
What would you say if I would tell you that these things are more your problem than you can imagine. What would you say if I would tell you that these things happen in your very own family? What would you say if I would tell you that my cousin, your nephew, had abused me....your daughter?
Dear Mommy and Tatty,
It probably hurts you to hear that your daughter is suffering, that your daughter is going through this nisayon, and she doesn't feel safe enough to tell you. Believe me Mommy and Tatty, it hurts me so much more. You think the two of us are close mommy? Believe me, the distance between us is far greater than you could ever imagine.
Dear Mommy and Tatty,
I am the model daughter, the catch in shidduchim. I'm sure it doesn't occur to you where I go each week, does it? Mommy, Tatty, I go to therapy. Yes, me, your perfect daughter. I have ten years of abuse, ten years of suffering and pain to work through.
Dear Mommy and Tatty,
Isn't it a tragedy that I can't come to you, my parents, for help, care, love and understanding? Isn't it tragic that I endured inhumane abuse rather than face my parents and deal with their possibly negative reaction? Mommy, Tatty, the abuse went on for 10 years! Imagine if I would have felt comfortable enough to approach you years ago...perhaps it would have stopped sooner.
Dear Mommy and Tatty,
Imagine if we could recreate society's attitude towards abuse victims. Imagine if we would be made to understand, from an early age, that nobody will ever think we are at fault, and we would be assured acceptance regardless of our circumstances.
Imagine if instead of suffering in painful silence, I could, at long last fall into your outstretched arms....
Signed,
Your Daughter
Dear Mommy and Tatty,
You've probably been unable to escape the grim reality that's been darkening the pages of the various frum publications recently. You probably read the editorials, interviews and letters about the heart wrenching issue of abuse in our communities with a mixture of shock and horror. Then you turn the page and say "Baruch Hashem this isn't MY problem."
Dear Mommy and Tatty,
What would you say if I would tell you that these things are more your problem than you can imagine. What would you say if I would tell you that these things happen in your very own family? What would you say if I would tell you that my cousin, your nephew, had abused me....your daughter?
Dear Mommy and Tatty,
It probably hurts you to hear that your daughter is suffering, that your daughter is going through this nisayon, and she doesn't feel safe enough to tell you. Believe me Mommy and Tatty, it hurts me so much more. You think the two of us are close mommy? Believe me, the distance between us is far greater than you could ever imagine.
Dear Mommy and Tatty,
I am the model daughter, the catch in shidduchim. I'm sure it doesn't occur to you where I go each week, does it? Mommy, Tatty, I go to therapy. Yes, me, your perfect daughter. I have ten years of abuse, ten years of suffering and pain to work through.
Dear Mommy and Tatty,
Isn't it a tragedy that I can't come to you, my parents, for help, care, love and understanding? Isn't it tragic that I endured inhumane abuse rather than face my parents and deal with their possibly negative reaction? Mommy, Tatty, the abuse went on for 10 years! Imagine if I would have felt comfortable enough to approach you years ago...perhaps it would have stopped sooner.
Dear Mommy and Tatty,
Imagine if we could recreate society's attitude towards abuse victims. Imagine if we would be made to understand, from an early age, that nobody will ever think we are at fault, and we would be assured acceptance regardless of our circumstances.
Imagine if instead of suffering in painful silence, I could, at long last fall into your outstretched arms....
Signed,
Your Daughter
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